


I Intend to Live The Rest of My Life As a Goat

by AkelaKela



Series: Teen Wolf Crack [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Adorable Liam Dunbar, Big Brother Theo Raeken, Clumsy Liam, Crack Treated Seriously, Creative Insults, Cute Liam Dunbar, Epic Bromance, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Good Theo Raeken, I Was High When I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Injured Liam Dunbar, Injured Theo Raeken, Liam Dunbar is a Little Shit, Liam and Theo are bros, Shower Singing, Singing Liam Dunbar, Swearing, The Author Regrets Nothing, Theo Raeken is a Good Friend, Theo Raeken is a Softie, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, oh well it does to me, serious profanity, smol Liam Dunbar, terrible writing style, that doesn't make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 05:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16487129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkelaKela/pseuds/AkelaKela
Summary: In which Liam is an adorable smol bean who sings too loud and is a happy drunk.





	I Intend to Live The Rest of My Life As a Goat

**Author's Note:**

> I've never tried to be funny before so expect this to be bad. Really, really bad.

The opening bars to 'My Heart Will Go On' blasted from the next room and Theo groaned as Liam began his own personal rendition of his favourite classic.

"Faaaaar across the distance and spaces betweeeeeen uss...you have come to show you go ooooonnn..." Liam crooned, his voice carrying over the sound of the shower. Theo growled, covering his ears. While living in Liam's house had it's perks, there were some definite cons, Liam's private shower concerts being just one. The beta would shamelessly torture his housemate with what he deemed therapeutic self-expression and what Theo would call torture.

"Love was when I loved you, one true time I hooooolldd yooouuu..." He banged on and the chimera wondered how far back his eyes could roll in his skull before he did himself some serious harm. He buried his head in his pillow, the song already stuck on loop in his mind. It was impossible to achieve anything with Liam caterwauling at a volume fit to wake the dead.

"Near, far, WHEREVER you are...I believe that the heart does go oooonn..." Liam screamed over Celine Dion's melodious voice and Theo contemplated smashing those speakers over his thick skull for the seventeenth time that week. It would only get worse from here. The music rose to a crescendo, and Liam's voice with it.

"YOU'RE HEEEREEE, there NOOOTHING I fear...and I know that my heart will go ooon... WWE'LL staaaay FOREVER this waaaayyy." Liam belted the words out and Theo could hear his feet stamping in the puddles of water on the wet floor. The stupid dork was probably playing the air guitar along with the accompanying track. Theo wanted to choke him with the shampoo bottle.

The music died away and Theo breathed a sigh of relief. Then the song switched and he wanted to smash his head through the wall seperating their rooms.

"Hey!" Theo slammed his hand against the wall but Liam was too absorbed in his creative expression, which involved completely butchering 'I Want it That Way'.

"TELL MY WHYYYYY ain't nothin' but a heartache...TELL ME WHYYYY ain't nothin' but a mistaaakkeee..." He screamed nasally, his voice reaching a pitch high enough to shatter glass.

"OH MY GOD WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Theo roared, slamming his fist into the wall. His head ached and the floor was practically shaking with the waves of sound pouring from Liam's faithful speakers.

"TELL ME WHYYY I never wanna hear you saaayyy...that I want it thataway..." he drawled out, the little bastard's voice rising, louder and even more piercing than before.

Theo growled, his hackles rising and Liam smiled, rubbing shampoo into his shaggy hair. Theo was too easy to wind up some of the time. All it took was his terrible singing voice and a few old classics to the get cool, calm Chimera Theo Raeken as angry as if he'd been stung in the ass by a bee.

So Liam continued, yelling exaggeratedly off-key until he heard more complaints from the other boy's room. He ducked out of the shower compartment, tapping on the next song on his playlist. He smirked, knowing how this usually ended.

He actually heard Theo growl this time as he spun around, flicking hair out of his eyes and danced.

"We're no strangers to looovveee..." He began and heard something hit the floor with a loud thud.

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU." He yelled, jiving to the music, his shoulders moving back and forth slipping his feat across the soapy wet floor. He was in the middle of his favourite part, spinning around, when his foot slipped on a patch of spilled shampoo. He scrabbled out for anything to right his balance with, his fingers tangling in the plastic shower curtain.

Liam went down with an undignified squawk, greeting the floor with his face. He brought the curtain rod down with him. It ripped free from the wall and came down with a fantastic clang, crashing down on his head. His nose crunched painfully and he spit out the bitter soap burning the skin on his tongue with a loud curse, hopelessly tangled in the wet shower curtain. He could hear Theo rolling on the floor next door, cackling like an asthmatic witch.

"Dick." He muttered, cracking his lopsided nose back into place, prompting a fresh round of wheezing giggles.

Theo dabbed tears of laughter from his eyes. His face hurt and he couldn't stop laughing. It was worth it, even if Liam stayed pissy for the next two days.

Liam emerged a few minutes later, dressed in a damp T-shirt and sweatpants, wiping his nose. He dug a bag of frozen peas out of the fridge and pressed it to his nose, glaring balefully across the kitchen table at Theo. Who was still laughing.

"My face hurts." Liam muttered plaintively.

-

Theo's heart pounded in his ears, Liam barely keeping pace with him. An arrow pierced Theo'd shoulder and he threw a silent curse on the shooter and his progeny as he and Liam stumbled along.

He clutched at his shoulder, distracted for just a second by the pain and there was a crash. Suddenly Liam wasn't there.

"Liam?" He growled, his yellow eyes casting about for the hard-headed beta who was nowhere to be seen.

"Theo?" Liam's voice issued from below and Theo took a few steps forward.

Liam's blue eyes stared up at him from the bottom of a hole.

"You're kidding me, right?" Theo snapped, a bullet whizzing by his left ear, drawing a line of burning blood trickling down his face in it's wake.

"I fell in a hole?" He offered and Theo muttered about being severely tempted to leave him in aforementioned hole as he struggled to pull him up. They had lost the small headstart they'd had on the hunters and Theo turned, abandoning Liam clinging to the lip of the hole. He roared, a cold tendril of satisfaction rising up in his heart at the looks of unbridled terror on the faces of the three armed men.

The split second of hesitation was all he needed to charge, Liam cursing him under his breath as he attempted to haul himself back onto level ground. Theo's fingers wrapped around the muzzle of a shotgun and he ripped it from the man's hands, juggling it in his hands until he had a good grip on it.

"Oh my fuck, will you just shoot!" Liam cried, tackling one of the hunters to the ground.

Theo tried his best, praying that it would fire when he pulled the trigger. He would look really stupid if nothing happened.

Curse his luck, he thought when there was no report and the gun lay useless in his hands.

"Like in the movies! Helloo??!" Liam's commentary was actually helping this time. He mimed cocking the shotgun, pumping his left hand back and forth under his right. So Theo pulled at the moving piece below the barrel, feeling like a complete fucking idiot as he pointed it in the general direction of the advancing hunters, closed his eyes and fired.

When he opened his eyes, two of them were on the ground. Oh, right. Buckshot, part of his brain registered. He punched the last one in the face, breaking his nose over his knee for good measure.

Liam groaned, his hands pressed to his midsection. Black blood stained his fingers and T-shirt, flecked his lips and Theo rushed to his side.

-

"That was my favourite shirt!" Liam wailed in dismay as Theo tore a swath of rusty red fabric from over his stomach. Sweat beaded his brow, the stench of wolfsbane filling his truck.

"Shut up and try not to kick me in the balls." Theo gritted his teeth and plunged his claws into the first bullet hole in Liam's midsection. Trust Liam to complain about a T-shirt that was already shot to shit by what looked like five bullets when his life was in danger. 

"Oh my GOD you little slut!" Liam yelled, his legs scrabbling on the floor of Theo's truck. Theo tactfully ignored the grunted, nonsensical insults as bullet after bloodstained bullet clattered to the floor. It would be unkind to burst into peals of hysterical laughter while Liam was screaming in pain to say the least, Theo thought as he played the flame of the blowtorch over Liam's skin wincing at the foul smell of singeing flesh.

"I am going to shove that blowtorch so far up your urethra that you'll be pissing fire for weeks!" Liam howled, his fists dripping blood all over the upholstery Theo had just cleaned.

"Watch the seats!" Theo warned, clicking the blowtorch off while the mess of muscle and blood began to knit back together. He and Liam breathed sighs of relief, almost in tandem, the latter slumping back onto the back seat of the truck, eyes closed.

"Hey, Theo!" Liam chirped. A burning pain stabbed down through his shoulder.

"You little shit!" Liam grinned from ear to ear, the bloodstained arrow clutched in his slimy fingers.

-

"I'm a giraffe!" Liam shrieked, staggering to his car, the keys falling from his pocket and landing on the tarmac with a jangle.

"You are a giraffe who is not going to be driving himself home." Theo said firmly, scooping up the keys, grabbing Liam by the shoulder just as he tripped over a cement divider designating a parking space.

"Look at that fluffy unicorn!" Liam's eyes went wide and he pointed to the starry sky above.

"It's so fluffy I'm going to die." Theo muttered dryly, cutting his eyes at Liam. Mr.'I'll only have a couple' had dumped too much wolfsbane into his booze and gotten completely shitfaced.

"There's no unicorn you fucking idiot!" Liam hiccupped a giggle, stumbling towards his car.

"Oh no you don't." Theo grabbed ahold of his shoulders, steering him towards the faithful truck parked a few spaces away.

"You're nice." Liam patted his head, mashing Theo's hair to his head once they were outside of the truck.

 "No I'm not." Theo closed his eyes in frustration, wrinkling his nose at the combined stench of wolfsbane and cocktails coming from his mouth. Scott would get a huge kick out of this. 

He settled Liam in the truck, managing to buckle his seatbelt with more than a little difficulty and only after convincing the Beta that they were not, in fact going on a rollercoaster. Liam babbled on about throwing up in Mason's face when he was five and Theo was hit with a brainwave.

"Hey Liam!" He raised his phone, a smile spreading over his face. This would be amazing.

"I'm changing my name to February Mullins and moving to Nepal." Liam moaned the next day, burying his face in his hands. The offending video in front of him played the events of last night back and Liam was compelled to watch himself declare his undying love to a passing cat that turned tail and ran as soon as he intoned that he'd find someone like her.

"Stop!" Liam groaned as he wailed at the top of his lungs at the departing feline. 'I wish noothing but THE best...for youuuuuu..." He screamed as Theo tried not to die of a laughing fit behind the camera.

The cat disappeared into the bushes and Liam threw his arms around Theo, stroking the back of his head lovingly.

"This is where it gets good." Theo chortled, snorting like someone who had ingested a diseased cricket.

"I intend to live the rest of my life as a goat." Liam's blue eyes were completely serious as he cupped Theo's face in his hands, slurring beautifully. "And I know you'll support my decision. I'm always here for you Theo."

Theo howled with laughter, clutching his sides as he toppled off the stool and crashed to the kitchen floor. He gasped, locked in paroxysms of glee, holding his aching sides. His cheeks ached and he threw his head back, unable to budge the painful grin locked across his features.

"Oh, I'm going to castrate you and strangle you with your own testicles." Liam hissed.

"You-" Theo choked. "I intend to live the rest of my life as a goat!" He quoted, howling hysterically. He wiped the tears of laughter leaking from his eyes. "I support you Liam. I'm always be here for you." He said seriously before dissolving into another fit of giggles, wiggling on the floor like a helpless garden slug.


End file.
